I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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