I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You have to summon your inner elephant
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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