She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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