Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
