I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
