We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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