my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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