we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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