She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
