How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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