Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
