You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
