How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
