I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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