My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
