Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
