For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
