What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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