I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
