Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
