My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
