life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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