she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
