Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
