If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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