He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
