Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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