you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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