Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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