you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
