every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Green mimosas i think yes
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
