awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
