He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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