My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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