Clothes are such an inconvenience.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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