i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
