My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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