Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
