Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
