I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
