im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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