what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
why do cheetos always look like penises
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
