A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
