you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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