I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
