had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
