he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
