I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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