You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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