Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
