How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
