The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
