It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
