dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize