Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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