The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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