totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
