You don't have asthma, your pregnant
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
