Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
