Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Im part way to drunk.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
