she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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