In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
