im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
