the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize