My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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