a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
