If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
