o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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