weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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