I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I could fuck to npr.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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