just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize