if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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