I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
